Sunday, May 18, 2008

Bathing Suit Season For Mortals

Yes, It's that time again. Time to embark on a crazy diet that consists of you cutting carbs, eliminating sweets and swearing-off any saturated fats from May through August. Why do we put our self through such hell? Why do we begin this crazy diet on May 1st and then end up binging on potato chips, ice cream and raw butter on May 3rd? Two words three syllables my friend, "bathing suits."

Sooner or later it will be time to slip on your favorite (or detested) two-piece in front of 500 of your closest buddies at your local beach. I know what you're thinking, "Yikes!" "I'm not ready!" That is why I've decided to equip you with a full-proof bathing suit handbook for this summer. I'm not going to focus on all body types, because let's face it the size 0 girl stuffed full of silicon laying two towels away could wear a deflated inner tube and still look hot. Instead, I'm going to give you, the real woman, some tips that will make you feel satisfied with your body on the beach, even if you don't have rock hard abs, long legs or a gigantic chest.

Problem # 1 - I look great laying down with my arms stretched above my head, but i need to get up from my towel at some point.

Yes, unfortunately you may have to use the bathroom a time or two during your beach visit. My advice would be to invest in a super cute, light-weight cover up. Make sure the cover up (i.e. cute little dress)is one size bigger than you would usually buy. This way, the fabric doesn't cut into you and create an unflattering bulge. However, for those few seconds it takes to get up and actually put on the cover up, you're on your own. I usually just suck in and pray for it to be over.

Problem # 2 - My butt resembles Kim Kardashian's minus the media hype.

Ya know, butts are the devil. They may look great in a pair of stretch jeans, but throw those puppies in a bathing suit and it's all over. Have no fear, i have a few tricks up my sleeve. Rule number one, do not buy bathing suit bottoms that are too small. You'll end up looking like fifty pounds of crap shoved into a ten pound bag. And NO tie strings, it just doesn't look right. I suggest buying full coverage bathing suit bottoms. They almost completely cover the bottom and are still low cut in the front. Another god send is Jergens Natural Glow Firming lotion. Apply this for a couple weeks and it will give you a nice natural tan on your bum. Good for hiding all those unflattering lumps and bumps.

Problem # 3 - My legs keep moving 30 seconds after i stop walking.

Oh jiggly legs, why do you torment us? So we haven't taken a long walk or ran a mile in a couple of years, but who's counting? We need you to be firm or at least resemble firmness!! Well, since we can't count on our legs to step it up, I usually rely on my footwear. Flip-flops with some height always help to elongate and slim the legs. I also will wear sling-back wedges to the beach, they make your legs look fabulous!

Problem # 4 - After a day at the beach, i look like I've been camping in the Sahara for the last week.

I know what you mean! Greasy face, sand up your nose, exfoliating your cheeks, stuck in your teeth, it's gross. If you're jetting to a party straight from the beach you need to pack the following essentials:

- Oil blotting papers (buy the Meijer brand, they work better and they are cheap!)
- Deodorant (for obvious reasons)
-Wash cloth (wet the cloth in the bathroom and give yourself a semi-bath to get the sand off you)
- Aloe & lotion (these should be scent-free and light, you won't want a heavy cream)
- Your favorite body spray (i suggest something fruity)
- Extra sun dress (something you can shove in your beach bag)
- Fresh pair of undies/bra (you don't want to be wet at your fabulous party!)
- Hair band and bobby pins (throw your hair into a messy bun or pin it up into a cute party-do!)

Problem # 5 - I really don't like my body and i just want to cover up darn it! Are one-piece bathing suits really that bad?!

NO! Your in luck, a sleek black one-piece will never go out of style. Remember the post-suri pictures of Katie Holmes in a black belted one-piece on the beaches in France? She looked hot. Thrown on some heels and a pair of big sunglasses, you'll be eternally chic.

Any other problems need fixing? Post a comment and I'll do my best!

Sunday, May 4, 2008

You Try To Do Something Nice....

I admit, it was a little before quiting' time on Friday and i shamelessly found myself perusing the Top Five Fashion PR Links on - I'm only human people.

Anyway, I stumbled across a very interesting story about one of our favorite French designers who is apparently suing everyone and their mother for something completely ridiculous. I don't want to call anyone out, but his name starts with "Louis" and ends with "Vuitton."

Read below and prepare to be annoyed:
(compliments of Fashion, Evolved.)

Last year a graphic artist named Nadia Plesner decided she wanted to create something that would increase awareness about the crisis in Darfur. She was not only dismayed by the genocide of HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of men, women and children, but at the complete lack of interest shown by the west, which seems unable to tear itself away from the Britney Chronicles long enough to see what's really going on in the world.

So, she created a T-shirt that depicted a suffering, starving, naked child carrying a mock-designer handbag and a small snooty dog. 100% of the proceeds would go to the charity Divest for Darfur. Sounds like a good plan, right?

Well apparently, the folks a Louis Vuitton are not happy that she chose to make her handbag resemble one of their pieces. The bag in the picture looks like Vuitton's MultiColor design (a favorite pattern among teenage girls), and although it does not contain the LV logo anywhere on the picture, Plesner has been ordered to stop selling the t-shirts and is being sued by the luxury designer which is demanding 5000 Euros PER DAY (That's almost $10,000 USD) as damages for the sale of the t-shirt.

Whether or not you agree that Plesner is guilty of copyright infringement (a decision that is not as simple as you might think), the whole debate should serve as a reminder of two things:

1. Plesner is absolutely right about western consumers being totally selfish. One of those handbags could easily feed a family in Darfur for months. We are obsessed with crap and with the vapid and useless people that prance around this country flaunting it with a "Let them eat cake" mentality. The French had the good sense to behead Marie Antoinette for that bullshit. The least we can do is pay attention to the suffering of these people. Don't get me wrong--I like fashion. I have a damn blog about it. But we need to get our priorities straight. You don't have to give up style to give a damn about your fellow humans that would rather have a clean glass of water than all the LV bags they can carry. Think about it.

and, 2. Large corporations are not kind and caring souls. They are about making money. LV is no exception. We can't sit back and expect nameless and faceless entities that were created SOLELY to make a profit to care about the world. It's up to us, the individual consumers. That's why you and I and everyone else needs to THINK about what we're buying and which companies we're supporting.

The new world of fashion is not about being a victim and letting other people tell you what you should wear and buy. YOU make the choice, and your choice should be based not only on the design and quality of the product, but on the willingness of the designer and manufacturer to contribute to a better world.