Sunday, May 18, 2008

Bathing Suit Season For Mortals


Yes, It's that time again. Time to embark on a crazy diet that consists of you cutting carbs, eliminating sweets and swearing-off any saturated fats from May through August. Why do we put our self through such hell? Why do we begin this crazy diet on May 1st and then end up binging on potato chips, ice cream and raw butter on May 3rd? Two words three syllables my friend, "bathing suits."

Sooner or later it will be time to slip on your favorite (or detested) two-piece in front of 500 of your closest buddies at your local beach. I know what you're thinking, "Yikes!" "I'm not ready!" That is why I've decided to equip you with a full-proof bathing suit handbook for this summer. I'm not going to focus on all body types, because let's face it the size 0 girl stuffed full of silicon laying two towels away could wear a deflated inner tube and still look hot. Instead, I'm going to give you, the real woman, some tips that will make you feel satisfied with your body on the beach, even if you don't have rock hard abs, long legs or a gigantic chest.

Problem # 1 - I look great laying down with my arms stretched above my head, but i need to get up from my towel at some point.

Yes, unfortunately you may have to use the bathroom a time or two during your beach visit. My advice would be to invest in a super cute, light-weight cover up. Make sure the cover up (i.e. cute little dress)is one size bigger than you would usually buy. This way, the fabric doesn't cut into you and create an unflattering bulge. However, for those few seconds it takes to get up and actually put on the cover up, you're on your own. I usually just suck in and pray for it to be over.

Problem # 2 - My butt resembles Kim Kardashian's minus the media hype.

Ya know, butts are the devil. They may look great in a pair of stretch jeans, but throw those puppies in a bathing suit and it's all over. Have no fear, i have a few tricks up my sleeve. Rule number one, do not buy bathing suit bottoms that are too small. You'll end up looking like fifty pounds of crap shoved into a ten pound bag. And NO tie strings, it just doesn't look right. I suggest buying full coverage bathing suit bottoms. They almost completely cover the bottom and are still low cut in the front. Another god send is Jergens Natural Glow Firming lotion. Apply this for a couple weeks and it will give you a nice natural tan on your bum. Good for hiding all those unflattering lumps and bumps.

Problem # 3 - My legs keep moving 30 seconds after i stop walking.

Oh jiggly legs, why do you torment us? So we haven't taken a long walk or ran a mile in a couple of years, but who's counting? We need you to be firm or at least resemble firmness!! Well, since we can't count on our legs to step it up, I usually rely on my footwear. Flip-flops with some height always help to elongate and slim the legs. I also will wear sling-back wedges to the beach, they make your legs look fabulous!

Problem # 4 - After a day at the beach, i look like I've been camping in the Sahara for the last week.

I know what you mean! Greasy face, sand up your nose, exfoliating your cheeks, stuck in your teeth, it's gross. If you're jetting to a party straight from the beach you need to pack the following essentials:

- Oil blotting papers (buy the Meijer brand, they work better and they are cheap!)
- Deodorant (for obvious reasons)
-Wash cloth (wet the cloth in the bathroom and give yourself a semi-bath to get the sand off you)
- Aloe & lotion (these should be scent-free and light, you won't want a heavy cream)
- Your favorite body spray (i suggest something fruity)
- Extra sun dress (something you can shove in your beach bag)
- Fresh pair of undies/bra (you don't want to be wet at your fabulous party!)
- Hair band and bobby pins (throw your hair into a messy bun or pin it up into a cute party-do!)

Problem # 5 - I really don't like my body and i just want to cover up darn it! Are one-piece bathing suits really that bad?!

NO! Your in luck, a sleek black one-piece will never go out of style. Remember the post-suri pictures of Katie Holmes in a black belted one-piece on the beaches in France? She looked hot. Thrown on some heels and a pair of big sunglasses, you'll be eternally chic.

Any other problems need fixing? Post a comment and I'll do my best!

1 comment:

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